2011-10-29 [Morgoth]: *throws in 3 cents!!*

*a Jew jumps into the well after the money*

2011-10-29 [Stephen]: *listens for the splash, but hears nothing*
Huh, deep well?

2011-10-29 [Morgoth]: Yeah, something like that. *continues pouring lighter fluid and charcoal down the well*

2011-10-29 [Schlachter]: *throws in a billion dollars and breaks the American economy, thus inviting China to come salvaging the States for its money back and allowing Iran to reunite the rest of the pathetic arab world and becoming the next world power after allying with Russia by promising to crush Germany for the Prussian pact betrayal*
such a fragile thing, life...

2011-10-29 [Nekko fox]: No I meant Romanescu and/or Jabotacaba.

2011-10-29 [Morgoth]: LIFE? You mean Living In Fear of Everything? Yeah, we here at Bob's Diner seek to destroy LIFE. All LIFE.

2011-10-29 [Nekko fox]: I thought LIFE was just an illusion created by your mind?

2011-10-29 [Schlachter]: Oh yeah, I forgot the match *lights, tosses and sticks a stick of shashlik in the huge fire*... I kinda knew [Morgoth] would do something like that... his randomness is getting kind of predictable.

2011-10-29 [Schlachter]: @[Nekko fox]: Yes, but there is more than one of us feeling and living in the same illusion, so we kind of have to figure that cruel fact out...

2011-10-29 [Morgoth]: Of course it is. You expect randomness to be random, but to be truly random, you must do the unexpected, which, in the case of randomness, is to be predictably unpredictable.

2011-10-29 [Stephen]: xD

2011-10-29 [Sicarius]: ....so...that would make you a teenager, then Mort...

2011-10-29 [Nekko fox]: What are you talking about Schlach? Are you talking about life or LIFE?

2011-10-29 [Morgoth]: Yes, [Sicarius]. I'm 13.

At least, that's what I tell all the men in the chatroom.

*eats LIFE cereal and plays a game of LIFE*

2011-10-29 [Schlachter]: but you see, as soon as you are predictable to any extent, you can no longer be truly random. Randomness by definition must be unexpected.

2011-10-29 [Stephen]: Huh, at least you're not telling them you're 10 anymore. I suppose it's an improvement.

2011-10-29 [Schlachter]: @[Nekko fox]: care to give me definitions or rules for the one with caps and the one without?

2011-10-29 [Schlachter]: @[Stephen]: he may not be lying about it... there is physical age and mental age XD

2011-10-29 [Nekko fox]: I prefer that you savor the mystery. I'm also lazy.

2011-10-29 [Stephen]: *spoils Nekko's fun* LIFE (Living In Fear of Everything)

2011-10-29 [Sicarius]: ...well then, if you want to break status quo, Mort...at least with regards to teenagers (generalizing here, people)...why not be unpredictably predictable?

2011-10-29 [Nekko fox]: *Snorts a laugh*

Oh Stephen, that's not it at all. You have your acronyms confused.

2011-10-29 [Morgoth]: @Schlach: Yeah, yeah. I knew you'd say that.

@Whoever I'm talking to: Like I said in your ET guestbook, Steve: LIFE is SCARY (sorry, can't acronym right yet). It should be treated with respect. DON'T MAKE ME ABUSE (A Build Up of Self-Esteem) YOU.

2011-10-29 [Stephen]: I do not. I know exactly what I'm talking about. You have your acronyms confused.

2011-10-29 [Nekko fox]: Wait, wait, WAIT!


What's an acronym again?

2011-10-29 [Morgoth]: A fear of heights, I think.

2011-10-29 [Nekko fox]: I think I knew a guy who acronym once, and/or he had a fear or being raped by razorblades.

2011-10-29 [Schlachter]: I'm bound to logic in arguing... thus predictable. That's why you have a hard time making a point with me lol.

2011-10-29 [Morgoth]: That's weird. Who wouldn't want to be fingered and/or raped by Edward Scissorhands?

2011-10-29 [Nekko fox]: Wait, when was he making a poi-

*Is promptly skewered by logic*

Awwww fuck, this shirt was new too!

*Dies*

2011-10-29 [Schlachter]: Logic doesn't kill people, I DO!!!! ^o^
Ok... not really... you can undie now...

2011-10-29 [Morgoth]: *a swordsmith looks up from his swordsmithery*

"I wouldn't have a hard time making a point with you. I make a living making points and being sharp."

*he polishes his sword to illustrate his point*

*he then needlessly slaughters some guy's horse with it, not for any particular point, but just because he's a bit of a dick*

2011-10-29 [Nekko fox]: *Gurgles a bloody froth to illustrate his point*

2011-10-29 [Morgoth]: Well said, well said.

*jots this down in his quote journal*

Wait, is "gggrggrgglglggrg" spelled with two F's or three?

2011-10-29 [Nekko fox]: No no, like this.

*gurgles more froth, but becomes frustrated because he couldn't seem to achieve the same gurgling and instead turns to heaving*

2011-10-29 [Morgoth]: Wait, six F's? That's a lot of F's.

FFFFFF- SO MANY F'S. SCREW THIS.

*crumples his hardcover journal and throws it into traffic*

2011-10-29 [Schlachter]: ...and someone was complaining a few hours ago about how language should rely on the use of the readers' common sense. Meh... have another point then, catch *throws a spear in an ambiguous direction*

2011-10-29 [Morgoth]: MY AMBIGUOUS DIRECTION!

Amby, speak to me!

*he doesn't, not because he is a concept and isn't an actual being, but because he has a spear in his face*

2011-10-29 [Nekko fox]: *Gurgles his sympathy for the sudden and unexpected passing of Amby, good friend, house wife, closet homosexual, bestiality enthusiast, and noted pervert and/or pedophile*

2011-10-29 [Morgoth]: He was a good and/or bad friend. He will be missed and/or buried on Tuesday. We're not going to tell his and/or her family members about this though, because that would only worry them. We don't wanna do that. We're good people. Especially Jojo... *points at the caged monkey flinging poo at customers*

2011-10-29 [Nekko fox]: Yes, poor Jojo.

*the monkey starts goatseing passerby, spraying them with watery diarrhea*

2011-10-29 [GlassCasket]: I thinks it's wonderous how so many countries hate America...But none of them really ever do anything. Hmmm...Honestly if i hated something i would kill the shit out of it.

2011-10-29 [Nekko fox]: You can't kill 'Mer'ca!

*Froths mightily*

2011-10-29 [Sicarius]: Yes, he's right...we're doing it ourselves...

*silence*

Tough crowd...

2011-10-29 [Nekko fox]: No, no, it's the upper 1% with their evil wallets and jobs that are killing 'Merica.

2011-10-29 [Morgoth]: Damn corporations... *leans back in the diamond chair in his office and puffs a Cuban cigar*... THEY DISGUST ME. Shirley! What is that noise I hear?!

"Sir, it appears to be some prot-"

Shirley, you're fired. Reginald, escort both her and yourself off my property. You're fired too. *spits on them as they run away crying*

*notices some people gathering outside the entrance on the ground floor* Hey! Stupid protesters! Stop gathering underneath my window!

Here, have some trickle down! *pees out the window onto the crowd below*

2011-10-29 [Morgoth]: Hmm, this wiki got 200+ comments in 2 days... WHY DID YOU PEOPLE NOT COMMENT ON THE ELFTOWN B'S D INSTEAD?

2011-10-30 [Fruit Loops]: the errors on both page's are becomming increasingly annoying...

2011-10-30 [Morgoth]: YOU'RE an error.

2011-10-30 [Schlachter]: Those that CAN kill America are immediately given a green card. America's wish is to die slowly and painfully, and so it will, undignified while sucking foreign cock.
@[Morgoth]: so are you.

2011-10-30 [GlassCasket]: xDkeep telling yourself that

2011-10-30 [Master Sifu]: What's your favorite flavor of foreign cock?

2011-10-30 [Schlachter]: @[GlassCasket]: about America? It's sinking now... it's a passtime of mine to torch the flag every weekend in front of all to see. The flag never meant anything anyways...
@[Master Sifu]: None. Never had any so couldn't tell you anyways. Do you have one?

2011-10-31 [GlassCasket]: Your so cool. Actually that flag means that we kicked Great Britain's ass in the revolutionary war :P If you don't like us so much do something? Otherwise gtfo :D

2011-10-31 [Schlachter]: @[GlassCasket]: yeah... it was just a bunch of *cough* brutish ... erm I meant british... aristocrats fighting over native american land -- land I don't believe MODERN CIVILIZED individuals could even have the right to dispute.
You see, I did gtfo, I don't live in the States anymore... I've done my share of collapsing it. I will also occasionally show up to burn the flag -- all are invited.
See, I would never burn a flag that ACTUALLY stood for something or on the concepts and corpses of its martyrs... but the US? Heh, wouldn't even spit in that direction... not worth my time. Deal is, when will Americans realize this and already take down the ridiculous fraud of a system in place... the price you pay is literally going to have you at the mercy of every nation that feels the ideology has outlived its purpose.

2011-10-31 [GlassCasket]: You say your done and it's not worth your time...but your the one who brought it up. So obviously it is worth your time. In fact your continuing to talk about it now so your still making it worth your time.

2011-10-31 [Schlachter]: @[GlassCasket]: mocking a paper tiger is EXTREMELY amusing, plus I don't think free speech is going to remain long, so I'm abusing it while I can.

2011-10-31 [Morgoth]: I would advise against mocking paper tigers. Kitty may not have fangs, but it can paper cut you like a bitch.

2011-10-31 [Schlachter]: "Oh, afraid of a little wee paper cut you fragile thing you? Let mummy bandage that for you... there there now, no need to cry, it will get better."
We should rename this diner to super weenie hut junior in your honor [Morgoth].

2011-10-31 [Morgoth]: NO, NO, WE SHOULDN'T. IT'S THE SALTY SPITOON. ONLY THE TOUGHEST CAN GET IN HERE. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE THE SALTY SPITO- *Tiny Tim limps past the bouncer and enters with a crowd of fine bitches following him*

Well, hell. I'm sure he has a lot of inner strength...

*someone makes fun of Tim's tie and he starts crying and slaps a ho on the shin out of anger*... *she proceeds to curb stomp him into a coma*...

Goddammit!

2011-10-31 [Nekko fox]: *Watches in bemused silence as Tiny Tim is used to decorate the floorboards*

When could we afford a floor?

2011-10-31 [Schlachter]: YAY WEENIE HUT!!!

2011-10-31 [Morgoth]: Th-that's not a floor. It's... IT'S... GODZI-

No, wait, yeah... that's a floor... *all the Japanese people stop running around screaming and return to their sushi platters and sake*

2011-10-31 [Nekko fox]: When could we afford sake?

2011-10-31 [Master Sifu]: Someone must have taken all of the "N"'s out of the snakes.

2011-10-31 [Nekko fox]: I'm tired of all these motherfuckin' N's in my motherfuckin' snakes!

2011-10-31 [Master Sifu]: If you replace the S's with D's the snakes become dnaked.

2011-11-01 [idunnosomething]: My snake is dnaked right now. *points at his crotch and winks*

*a cobra slithers out of his pants, wearing a cobra sweater*

Hey!! I told you to get dnaked!! *punches himself in the crotch and falls over, screaming expletives about the economy*

2011-11-01 [Schlachter]: How is a Turkey Sagacious?
Maybe you're just a Turk in disguise as a Turkey...

2011-11-01 [Morgoth]: I think a sagacious turkey is more likely than a sagacious Turk.

2011-11-02 [Master Sifu]: *Salacious Crumb Cackles in the Corner.*

2011-11-02 [Nekko fox]: *A seditious salamander salutes serenading simpletons*

2011-11-02 [Schlachter]: I didn't imply it was sagacious...

2011-11-02 [Morgoth]: I didn't infer it was sagacious.

2011-11-02 [Schlachter]: So you agree it could be a Turk then?

2011-11-02 [Nekko fox]: No, I agree that it might be poultry.

2011-11-02 [Schlachter]: poultry or Turk...
there are high chances its a Turk because poultry isn't capable of using a computer

2011-11-02 [Morgoth]: Then again, most Turks aren't either. And carnival chickens have been known to best even the most astute checkers players in the past. Turks, on the other hand, lose every time.

2011-11-02 [Schlachter]: Then do please explain how the net is flooded with Turks? And ones apparently who have never seen a girl in their LIVES?

2011-11-02 [Morgoth]: Those are actually Mexicans posing as Turks to mess with you.

2011-11-02 [Schlachter]: Their IPs and poor language seem to match up with Turkish ones... unless the Turks are posing as Mexicans to you. Besides, there is no shortage of Mexican women...

2011-11-02 [Nekko fox]: You're both wrong. It's a bunch of Polish folks who are pretending to be Mexican's disguised as Turks who are immitating poultry.

2011-11-02 [Schlachter]: beats me

2011-11-02 [Nekko fox]: Impossible. The Polish can't wield things to beat you.

2011-11-02 [Schlachter]: Sure can, they're from the Prussian empire... they own everyone.

2011-11-02 [Morgoth]: *a group of Frenchies look up from their snail platters (originally they were hamburger platters, but B's D has a real insect problem)*

"Evrehone... except fohr Frahnce! Haw haw haw haw!"

*they all start laughing and high fiving, but are quickly forced out of their seats by a group of Germans looking for a table*

2011-11-02 [Schlachter]: France isn't a country.

2011-11-02 [Morgoth]: Your FACE isn't a country! *violently high fives an unsuspecting old woman, shattering her wrist*

2011-11-02 [Schlachter]: You are right, I am a country. You need a visa to talk to me from now on. Please go apply for one at the local Schlachte embassy in Germany -- it is valid for 30 minutes and needs to be renewed continuously until enlightenment is achieved in the applicant.

2011-11-02 [Morgoth]: *jams the national flag of Mortopia into your nearest open orifice*

I claim this country as my own. Now pay me taxes on these imports. *shoves handfuls of mustard packets into the other orifice(s)*

"Mithter, mithter! Do you have any muthtard for my thandwich?"

NO, BITCH, WE DON'T HAVE ANY MORE GODDAMN MUSTARD. STOP ASKING. *grabs another handful from the box full of mustard and resumes shoving, as the little girl runs away crying like a little girl*

2011-11-02 [Schlachter]: *no open orifices available at border*
*[Morgoth] is stopped at the Zachstan border by tall Nazi-ish German guards who take his flag and stick it up his ass all the way through to the mouth; guards then proceed to German roast Mortton*

Yu agh in direkt viyolashun of Zachtoniyan teghitoghy...
Ja!
Yu 'ave ze ghait tu be eeten ja! lolz! ja! totallee! Yu mayd a gut jowk Henneke, so funee ja! *guards check for cash in pockets and take all money while gnawing the shit off a dessicated Mort femur bone* dis munee und mutaghde vill be konfiskaytid ontil yu agh pruvin innossent. *takes all mustard and marinates the fucktarded Mort who is now screaming in pain and stupidity -- guards laughing to each other while eating seasoned Mortton* Ja! Leik dat ist evar goweng tu 'appen ja! lolz!

I guess I forgot to mention that there is a border now... oops *lolz with guards... then goes back to processing/denying immigration and visa applications*

2011-11-02 [Morgoth]: *looks up from his newspaper*

Yeah, yeah, that's nice. Deliveries go around back.

*mutters something like, "damn Canadians," and returns to circling interesting obituaries in his paper*

2011-11-02 [Morgoth]: Hmmm... she's cute. *circles another one*

2011-11-02 [Schlachter]: If she's cute, then she's from Zachstan.

2011-11-02 [Schlachter]: *German guards see sad little girl crying and invite her over to the roast* Vy so sad litol gughl? Ja, vy?
*Girl cries and sobs* I..*sobs*... haff no muthtard...*sobs again* in my thandwich...
Der der nao littol Ghetel, haff sum ov dis *sticks some dessicated Mortton meat in her sandwich and gives her some mustard*
Oh *sobs* ffank you!!!
Ja! Und heer! Yur viza vaz uksseptid... pleez com in ja!
Ja! lolz! tot'lee

while(true) (Hot women count in Zachstan)++;

2011-11-02 [Morgoth]: *types up a quick method*

int CostOfServices = $5.49;
int MyDick = 20 inches;
     for (int five bucks = five bucks; $5 < CostOfServices; five bucks++)
          for (int fitty cents = five bucks+fitty cents; $5.50 > CostOfServices; fitty cents++)
               if (Vag == NoCrabs)
                    MyDick++;
return HARDDICKING;

*adds it to the class HotAsianWomen and runs it with the command line arguments TheseNuts and ExplosiveOrgasm and pipes in the file SexMaster.txt*

*Mort's computer whirs for a moment and then halts, catches fire, and explodes*

2011-11-02 [Schlachter]: *Germans laugh at roasting corpse muttering nonsense while partially conscious*
Ja funeee! Ich gess hez pghayen fur un dick tu empress dat azhun voman on ze peess ov paypir lolz! Ja! Petee 'e 'az non... Henneke, vy dont ve help hem ja? lolz o! ja! ov korss lolz!
*takes a stick and shoves it where Morts roasted corpses' sun doesn't shine*
Ja! Tot'lee! Fetz 'im so vell lolz! Even luk, shez smaylen ja!!! Ja! Hahahaha! Luk, she lieben du!

2011-11-02 [Stephen]: *yawns*

Night night people! :)

2011-11-02 [Morgoth]: SHUT UP, CANADIANS!! I'm trying to re-boot my hard drive! *dislodges the boot from the tower case and jams it back in at a different angle*

*the pile of ashes sputters and comes to life*

This pile of ashes was improperly shut down. Please select an option:

Safe Mode
Safe Mode with Networking
Safe Mode with Command Prompt
Unsafe Mode with Cobras

Enable Boot Logging
Enable Shoe Logging
Enable Rainforest Logging
Debugging Mode
Delousing Mode

Start Pile Of Ashes Normally
Reboot
Put It In
Return to Menu

2011-11-02 [Morgoth]: *Cobras, wearing Cobra sweaters, start slithering out of Mort's pile of ashes and Turkey's pants for some reason*

2011-11-02 [Schlachter]: *Canadians come over to Zachstan border*
Eh, what's that yer cookin'?
Isn't that against the law, eh? To torch violators?

O! Ja, 'em, 'ez dalishuss, vant to tghy?

OH! Sure thing! Is it marinated?

Ja shugh ting, 'elp ursself! E Henneke, ve 'av vezeterz, ve need tu get formz fur das vizaz ja?
Ja! Ja! Tot'lee
*all OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM*

2011-11-02 [Morgoth]: Hey, I was using that! *grabs his hand out of a German's and/or Canadian's mouth with his other hand that was in another mouth, but was retrieved with his other hand prior to the retrieval of the former most hand*

"Hyello. I wus informed there wus going to be Voodkah at thees party."

OH GOD, NOW THE CHINESE ARE HERE TOO. *takes his hand and walks away, despite not having legs*

2011-11-02 [Schlachter]: OI!
My vsyekh zdes da? No da! Davay s vodka i Kanadskiy idioty kushaem!

I heard Vodka eh? Did you John?
Eh? Yes I sure did! Eh, let's stay a while longer eh?
Yeah eh!

E! Vat agh yu doweng, com bak 'ere fud! Ver 'ungghy ja! Henneke get dat esel on sticks!

Davay! Poymat takoe zhopa na palochke!

WO DA SI NI!!!! WO SHIANG YAO MAOERTI!

Naverno ona khochit kushat? Ona golodna...

Hans, Sie kannst russische sprachen???

[Schlachter]: oi, retard hunting season isn't until July... oh what the heck *pulls out harpoon gun* FIGH AT VILL!!! JA! JA! JA!
*all chasing the Mortton*

2011-11-02 [Master Sifu]: "Get's out ugly stick."

It's gonna get ugly in here.

Who want's the ugly smacked into them?

2011-11-02 [Schlachter]: GREAT IDEA [Master Sifu] *takes ugly stick and beats [Morgoth] with it*
No effect! He's already ugly!
Oh well, food!!!

2011-11-02 [Master Sifu]: I lied. It's a pretty stick. Anyone struck by it becomes gorgeous.

2011-11-02 [Master Sifu]: Just wanted to see if someone would use it.

2011-11-02 [Nekko fox]: It's a LIE!!!!!


!

2011-11-02 [Nekko fox]: !!

2011-11-02 [Master Sifu]: *beats self with stick*

Is it working? Am I better looking?

2011-11-02 [Nekko fox]: æⁿ÷αMy°₧▲á

2011-11-02 [Morgoth]: You sure are, handsome. But your eye seems to be out of the socket... and most of your lower lip is gone...

2011-11-02 [Master Sifu]: Here have a tooth.

*Starts handing out bloody teeth.*

2011-11-02 [Stephen]: Yay! Teeth.

2011-11-02 [Nekko fox]: *takes all the teeth and sells it to the tooth fairy for exorbitant prices*

2011-11-02 [Master Sifu]: Which tooth fairy The Rock or Kristie Allie?

2011-11-02 [Nekko fox]: Yes.

2011-11-03 [idunnosomething]: Quite so.

2011-11-03 [Morgoth]: Indeed.

2011-11-03 [idunnosomething]: I am in agreement with your sentiment.

2011-11-03 [Morgoth]: No, YOU'RE a scented mint!

2011-11-03 [idunnosomething]: WWHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY!!!! *runs away crying into the ladies room, where he removes his clothes and leers greedily at women in the stalls... out of sorrow. Yeah, that's it. Sorrow. YOU DID THIS TO ME.*

2011-11-03 [Nekko fox]: This and the MEDIA.

2011-11-03 [Schlachter]: They're just shemales.

2011-11-03 [Stephen]: Moosik. <3

2011-11-03 [Morgoth]: Apparently, Elfpack is unaware of the existence of Donovan for some reason, so I added even more music.

2011-11-03 [Stephen]: L.O.L.

Did you link that song to Saffron or Jimmy? x)

2011-11-03 [Morgoth]: Of course not.

2011-11-03 [Stephen]: You should. :P

Though, she seems a lil touchy atm.

2011-11-03 [Morgoth]: EVERYBODY seems a lil touchy ALWAYS. And then I try to cheer them up! And then they get mad at me... and then my mom beats me with a hose...

2011-11-03 [Stephen]: At least the story has a happy ending. :)

2011-11-03 [Stephen]: wtf.
o_O;


... ... I can't see you listening to this, Mort.

2011-11-03 [Morgoth]: ...which one?!

2011-11-03 [Stephen]: The Ponyo one. xD

2011-11-03 [Morgoth]: But everybody loves Ponyo! And she loves ham!

2011-11-03 [Stephen]: o.o

Nooo idea. Now I want to play Atelier Rorona: The Alchemist of Arland on my PS3.. :3

However, since that's a pain to do, I'll play Racettear instead.

2011-11-03 [Stephen]: So now it looks like I'm talking to myself.. :P

2011-11-03 [Morgoth]: DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS.

2011-11-03 [Stephen]: I do not! Well, I don't very often anyway.
[Morgoth] is completely full of shit, don't listen to a word he says.

2011-11-03 [Morgoth]: Hm, actually, on second thought, listen to everything he says.

2011-11-03 [Stephen]: No, don't listen to any of it. He hasn't a clue what he's talking about, and [Morgoth] knows nothing about me!

2011-11-03 [Schlachter]: Alone in your crowd...

2011-11-03 [Stephen]: 06:04:50 (11h ago) [Morgoth]: DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS.

Lulz.

2011-11-03 [Master Sifu]: I was wondering why you had feathers on your lips. Why don't you try sucking hens instead.

2011-11-03 [Morgoth]: ah ha ha ha ha ha haa... DEATH.

2011-11-03 [Nekko fox]: *Death looks up from some souls*

"The fuck do you want?"

2011-11-03 [Morgoth]: MY MONEY, DAMN IT.

2011-11-03 [Stephen]: *releases the souls while death is distracted*

*cackles* ... *disappears before Death can notice and kill him*

2011-11-03 [Nekko fox]: *Death looks back and sees his souls are gone*

"You owe me for those souls! NO MONEY FOR YOU!"

2011-11-03 [Schlachter]: *Hitlers soul escapes towards Zachstan*
Henneke, augh... Ich tink zat vaz Khitlegh...
Hans!! Vill Verdammt!!! Seine ihm!!! ALLE KHITLEGH! DIE FUHGHEGH! FUGH DIE FUHGHEGHLANDE!!!

[Schlachter] You idiots give him a visa and get the Russians outta here!!! Party's over!
Also... tell BMW to start making them planes again... and see if you can fetch der Rote Baron... SCHNELL!!!

2011-11-03 [Morgoth]: *the Russians are too busy being passed out drunk on Vodka to take notice of any of this*

2011-11-03 [Schlachter]: Stoopid Russians... watch and learn...
*Takes a pristine hand-brewed 25L jug of Nemiroff (Ivanskoye Groznoye) and swings it around in a way threatning to break it*
NYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET! CHTO DELAESH! TI DURAK ILI CHTO??? TAKOE ZOLOTO...
*Throws it on the next train to Kyiv*
BISTRO V POYZD CHETVERTOY ILI VODKA BUDIT PIZDEC C UKRAINCKOMIY ZHOPKIY!!! NA VOKZALNA!!! NEMEDLENNO!

Good... now that that's out of the way, let's enjoy the real thing! *pops open the real jug -- other was full of water*

2011-11-03 [Schlachter]: Hahahaha ja! Dat waz a gut jowk... Ich almowst baleevd 'e waz gowing to bgheyk und wayst such pgheshuss...

KHANS!!! A little less conversation a little more action ja?? Ver ist meine BMVz und Rote mannen??

Hans: Sofort, meine Herr Doctor Professor Schlachter Obersleutenant Kommodore Kapitan Zach von Vendell
*scampers off to huge factory in the distance... doom music playing in the distance*

2011-11-04 [Schlachter]: "Vilkommen Hans!
Sie sind in die 'Knee Deep In The Dead'"
*Hans presses 'The Button'*
Aghiyt myty kittyz, yu 'ird za boss... NEDM JA!!!
*NEDM music plays... Hans runs for cover as thousands of massive flying Russian lolcat machines fill the air -- with REAL kitties of doom piloting them; Hitler speech ensues...*
"We interrupt this program..."/"Wir unterbrechen die Programmen..."
*Hitler follows behind with a massive fiery fire-breathing TurboKitteh plane from the very depths of Hell itself -- manufactured by Basement Cat himself to scare off Ceiling Cat*
"Katchen KARNAGE!!!"

Hans: Don sigh! Bay ze vay... Yelka stil vants tu go tu Pghovance, kud ve not distghoy et?

2011-11-04 [Stephen]: Informative rating of "47483647", eh? That's a tiny bit extreme.. :P

2011-11-04 [Morgoth]: Where else can you learn as much about Hitler and Russian lolcat machines? We believe in extreme teaching here, so we need an extreme rating.

Also, it wouldn't let me make it a negative, so I had no other choice.

2011-11-04 [Stephen]: Really? Weird.
My CCI Staff page has negative ratings.

2011-11-04 [Schlachter]: [Schlachter]: Vilkommen all! *opens up a gift and souvenir shop on the spot*
Vud yu liek tu buy a suvenigh? Zachstun iz ekspanding as yu kan kleerli see (juste a fyu maynor adjastmintz, nussing tu vurry abowt gheeli... juste virld dawminashun), fur un limitid tyme onlee yu can buy der small lolkitty feegughinz... der iz also dis kollectorz edishun Hitler figoorin -- limutid edishun, onlee 92247291585295 made und counting. Aghunt zey kyut? Zey shut gheel fayar, see? Veghy sayf fur ze kinder... *lights up an American flag on fire*
*cough* HAHAHAHA! BITCH! 'OO SED ZE KOLD VAR VAZ OVER!!! *laughs maniacally* Ich meen... ugh... ja...
Don vorry... iz fur un gut cauz, yu agh dighektly supporting demokratik faschizm und kyut singz! Awl paghafurnalya iz 'andmayd by inslayvd French prizonnierz... dont vughy, dey 'ad absolutly no choiss. Ve also vill downayt 1 marke tu ze Deimos Aghyan experimunt tu vipe out ze lessur non-Girmanik raysiz. O ya, 'eer yu kan buy yur pruf ov Girmanikness fur onlee 239343292 markez. ALLE HITLEGH!!!

Henneke, get over here und do your job! I have other things to do...

2011-11-04 [Schlachter]: Henneke: OOOOOGH!!! I alveyz vantid tu verk in un suvenigh shawp!!! Zer vaz zis tyme viz my daad...

[Schlachter]: gut fur dich. KHANS!!! Get on the next train to Moskvye and get me Russia ready fur Schlachte... if there are any problems, use this *drags a huge sword over 10 meter long* it belonged to Ivan the Dirty, that should be more than enough...

Hans: Kann Ich keep it if zey donte need eet? O pleez?

Ja, shure, its yur ghyt tu dgheem hahaha.

2011-11-04 [Morgoth]: *picks teeth with the sword*

2011-11-04 [Schlachter]: *[Morgoth] tastes blood*

2011-11-04 [Nekko fox]: THERE WILL BE BLOOD!

2011-11-04 [Schlachter]: I DONT SEE ANY!!!

2011-11-04 [Morgoth]: You're not believing hard enough.

2011-11-04 [Stephen]: I gotta believe!

2011-11-04 [Nekko fox]: Believe!

2011-11-04 [Schlachter]: *LOLCat 34 preparing dropping of atomic bomb 4738*
[Schlachter]: From Novosibirsk with love... it grew up so quickly... *sheds a tear* such a great piece of work, what happened to the honest labor and toil of an honest man? NOTHING BUT TO UNDO THE STUPIDITY OF ANOTHER DISHONEST ONE, FIRE!
*atomic bomb dropped and immediately flattens metropolis and leaves curse of mutation behind for 100's of years*
I now see the bloodshed... so... beautiful... *sheds many a tear*

2011-11-04 [Nekko fox]: *And then Gumbi comes in for the block, knocking the plane out of the sky as it tries to return home*

2011-11-04 [Stephen]: I wonder what Gumbi tastes like..

2011-11-04 [Morgoth]: "METROPOLIS, NNNNOOOOOOOO!!"

*Superman falls to his knees and weeps bitterly*

2011-11-04 [Schlachter]: *Gumbi takes the blow and dies -- an atomic bomb remains an atomic bomb; LOLCat 34 returns for another swing, with 5 atomic bombs to be released on spike detonation; God save whoever is getting these...*
...and... fire *bored*
*Nation is wiped out thanks to Gumbi's stupid interception*
Pity there is nothing left of that moron, I would have liked to taste some...

Hans: Henneke, thinkest du das foghss iz nessassaghi?

Henneke: Hans, ven nashun ist un esel und doz nawt obey ze ghulz, hao du yu ekspekt dem du lissen? Arreddy needz tu be onder ze grawnd... Amerika bombd ze vomen und ze kinder auf ze Fuhgheghlande, nawt so much ze faktoriz ve yuz tu mayk de var mashinz -- BMV waz fur dat... und rimaynd leik beefur ze var. Dey just pleyd 'olleevud viz za vighld und ve endid luking liek ze esel.

2011-11-04 [Schlachter]: [Schlachter]: status unit 34
LOLCat 34: lolz, i haz a pwnage 5upz
[Schlachter]: close fire regroup to main fleet
LOLCat 34: can haz a iz Caturdayz t'marowz?
[Schlachter]: Basement Cat transfer, out
Basement Cat: can haz, fone howm, schnell... o... n pwn sooperman btw kthxbai
LOLCat 34: can haz fayr, espeshully nao... bamb = spensiv, LOLplane = veri spensiv, sooperman pwnage = prysliss... can haz LOLCard fer evurifin elss
[Schlachter]: ok cut, send it to marketing, out
Marketing Cat: salez upz by 10001394413431943041349 purr-sentz kthxbai

2011-11-06 [Stephen]: Hiiii everyone! ^.^

2011-11-06 [Morgoth]: Hey, sexy. I'm Orestez and I like penis.

2011-11-06 [Morgoth]: Evidently, I am no longer Orestez. Therefore, I no longer like penis.

2011-11-06 [---Blind Spot---]: Whats up yo?

2011-11-06 [Stephen]: I'm a hot penguin and I loooove group hugs! <3
*hugs everyone* ^-^

/edit:
Disregard that.

2011-11-06 [Schlachter]: wow... everything went downhill so fast...

2011-11-06 [Morgoth]: Yeah, [---Blind Spot---] really messed things up for everyone.

2011-11-06 [Schlachter]: don't act like you're not enjoying it...

2011-11-06 [Morgoth]: How about YOU don't act like I'm not enjoying it. >:u

2011-11-06 [Schlachter]: What??? Are Hans, Henneke, HITLER, LOLCat34, Basement Cat, Marketing Cat, Ceiling Cat, random Russians, random Canadians, littol gughl, your beloved one and only Herr Doctor Professor Schlachter Obersleutenant Kommodore Kapitan Zach von Vendell (yours truly) not rolling your stones?
Seriously... there's even foreign accents involved... and languages too!

2011-11-06 [Morgoth]: No, no. They're rolling my stones... right into MY KOI POND!!

HEY. HEY, YOU DARN KIDS! STOP ROLLING MY STONES!!

*chases Hans, Henneke, HITLER, LOLCat34, Basement Cat, Marketing Cat, Ceiling Cat, random Russians, random Canadians, littol gughl, my beloved one and only Herr Doctor Professor Schlachter Obersleutenant Kommodore Kapitan Zach von Vendell (mine truly) off his lawn with a broom*

2011-11-06 [Morgoth]: Wait, that isn't my koi pond... that's overflowing sewage... my koi pond is over there. *points at a completely different puddle of sewage*

2011-11-06 [Schlachter]: *all disappear and become the nothing they once were*

2011-11-06 [Morgoth]: Red Lobster: Red Lobster standing by. Come in, Dog Fort. Over.

Dog Fort: This is Dog Fort. Confirmation of lolcat defeat?

Red Lobster: We have confirmation, Dog Fort. Permission to return to base for a cold brewski?

Dog Fort: Permission granted, Red Lobster 9. You earned it.

Announcer: And that's how the Allied Powers once again defeated Hitler, lolcats, and the Canadians.

Dog Fort: Who the hell are you and what are you doing on wall #4?

Announcer: Breaking it.

Dog Fort: Red Lobster, we have a breach on the south end of the fort. The fourth wall is broken. I repeat: The forth wall is broken.

Red Lobster: GET OUTTA THERE, DOG FORT!

Announcer: And then they all died.

*an explosion happens, but Mort doesn't notice it, because he's out back, shooting at squirrels with his BB gun*

2011-11-06 [Schlachter]: *wind blows -- nothing there, never was, never will be*

2011-11-06 [Morgoth]: WIND, YOU WHORE.

*Wind and Dr. Through T. Trees suddenly look up at the doorway in shock, having just realized they weren't alone*

"I... I can explain!"

NO, WIND. IT'S OVER BETWEEN US.

*Wind howls*

Cold bitch. *Mort drinks scotch at the bar*

2011-11-06 [Schlachter]: *wind continues to blow*

2011-11-06 [Morgoth]: AND TUMBLEWEED?! YOU... YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND!!

"Hey, man. That's just how I roll."

*in a move that would make Rhett proud, Tumbleweed takes her and flees*

HE'S GONE. GONE WITH THE WI-

*the audience boos*

Shut up!! *Mort goes back to depressingly drinking scotch at the bar*

2011-11-06 [Stephen]: *crrrack* goes the commentbox. o_o'

2011-11-06 [Stephen]: o___o

2011-11-06 [Morgoth]: Doh ho ho ho... I'LL CUT YOU.

2011-11-06 [Stephen]: That's not nice. :(

2011-11-06 [Morgoth]: I'll crrrack yo face. >:(

2011-11-06 [Stephen]: That's also not nice! :(

2011-11-06 [idunnosomething]: Would an erotic hug in the steam room cheer you up? *gestures toward the kitchen, which is clearly on fire*

2011-11-06 [Morgoth]: I'm up for erotic hugs. *starts taking off clothes*

2011-11-06 [Stephen]: *walks away quickly*

2011-11-06 [Morgoth]: D-don't leave. I'm rock hard and ready to go. Just gimme a minute. I gotta give a eulogy real quick. *walks into the funeral wing of the diner*

*Mort's undoubtedly brilliant speech, starting with, "Grandma was a real nice lady and stuff-" is quickly interrupted by inexplicable screams and shouts of anger*