I was contemplating freedom and what it truly is, I was trying to figure it out. On the way tot he zoo saturday I was captured by a feeling of Audra, and god I was so angry, so pissed and i realized she is nothing. She only dreams about being like me, I realized Im free because I dont care about anything that anyone says, because I am who I am and thats all I can be.
   Another astonishing assesment came to me, love is soemthing only you can accept, I love Ally with my entire life force and Im the only one who can accept the fact that my love is that great. Everyone else lives in denial, and wants to think it cant be that big. So I quit trying to prove my love, it is what it is and when Ally accepts it all will be well 'til then fuck it all, Im going to create hell on earth and make my power known no one can destroy me because I've faced the greatest thing ever, my love denied by soemone I truly love. Im immortal, and I will not be killed...

   I cried for you, tried for you, and you looked at me like that, looked at me and saw what it is I lack. Never seeing more than what I am, and Im doing everything I can. I would break if you left me, break if you let me. So now I crumble and you watch me fall, I can handle it all. Im inside out and upside down, its all turned around. Help me to find you, give me a light and part this darkness. I wait with open arms all you have to do is let me wrap you in them. All things can be mended.

   So My house was...well Alot of thing had to be taken down, So I took it all down...*cries* Besides alot of people couldnt see Ally's pic, specifically Ty and Ally...If you'd like me to post anything back up let me know...Or drop me a line on YIM. I have a sweet little RP storyline going with a few close friends, so thats sure to be gettin better, if you'd liek to know more leave me one on here or YIM(flowsync). Thats if you're into RP on Yahoo...well folks, I dont have much to write. Just wnated to lay down why my hosue is no more pretty...bye now...

   So its...uhhh...today. Heh...what happened eh? Hell if I know I didnt get up 'til about one. All I know is theres a bunch of dman squirrels inthe house, they're in the soffet and in the attic, oh man. Imma kill 'em all. Dmna skittering bastard keep my ass awake...ughhh grrr. So anyways I finally got back to sleep though, yay, go me. But yeah Imma start trappin those bitches and start hangin the dead ones up, as a warning to the others who wanna start rollin thier nuts through the soffet. But tomorrow Im leavin...Im goin campin woooo...whole weekend me and Dan and Tina. Oh boy is it gonna be fun? Well is it? lol...I have to write my wodnerful Ally a letter and it will be for her to read when I leave, also PB&J sandwhiches are in a need, I think. Anyways yeah, so uhh, how do you like my house. Is calvin a bit much? I like him though I prefer linux over windows, as if you couldnt tell. Anyways, yeah if you guys dont like it you should let me know, especially if its agaisnt the rules, I really feel Calvin is exposing a little too much of himself, but you cant see much, can you? Mayeb I should get a parental advisory sticker, hmmm...heh heh...well thats my goal for today...peace love and...whats that other thing...sex? er soemthin ...later on...alligator thong...

   Well, I woke up at frickin' 8:00 this morning. Couldnt sleep, and got this damn poison oak or sumac or what ever the hell this shit is from my mom...So I wake up and shes on the computer as soon as I wake up so i'm like alright. I got get some breakfast and then Im gettin the shit bugged out of me she keeps saying:
   "Go to howard(our other property we're redoing) and see if the guy we hired is cleanin up the barn, and is doin a good job."
   So I take thirty minutes which is no big deal and drive to Howard to look at the barn and then I come back and take an hour to go look and see it was all okay. The I sit down and in ten minutes she says:
   "Now go into Danville and go get Angus (our dog) from the vet."
   I flipped out, I was pissed, I just got back from an hour long ride to and from Howard, and she wants me to go to the frickin' vet? Oh hell no! Forget that so I told her off which I NEVER do. Then while Im yellin back at her my tongue locks up. Me and my dad sometimes have this thing where our tongue locks up and we cant tlka for a few seconds, happens rarely but its a pain in the ass when you try to talk. So she says:
   "Now I see why the Airforce doesnt want you, 'cause your tongue locks up."
   I guess she was trying to make a joke but I hate when people say shit about the AF not takin me and I went off on her, tolde her basically:
   "Go to hell Ma, you can go to the fuckin vet yourself, kiss my ass."
   There was some slammin of doors and she didnt even get up and go tot he vet she just went in her room and went to sleep, so i had to coem downa nd go tot he frickin vet anyway. I did cuz i wanted tog et on ehre and talk to Ally. So i go and get Angus and bring him home and everything and shes sleeping Im like whatever, screw it. So I watched buffy and got on here then I just DLed an application to make some neat banners to go on my house so check back at the house for some updates. Ill be gona all this weekend, goin to a kick ass concert/festival thing. But as of now Ill prolly make my banners and go upstairs and lie down or soemthin..we'll see what happens, Ally is sleepin so maybe she'll get up and Ill stay on.

   Well as my walk about slowly ends today Id like to end it with an entry in my journal. I created a new character, quite the hott one, heh...hes based off of wolf's rain, cuz lately Ive been into wolves. So I made a character for those of you who dont know what wolf's rain is its an anime show they show it on Cartoon network but youcna look it up if youd like. I named the character Ryley..I think its suitable...hes a hotty...lol...but because I made him in my image *poses* lol...well that was so unbelieveably feminine...*giggles and then shuts up* well now...lol...Im going to elave it at that since I seem to be coming of as a homosexual right now lol...

Hello! Well what has transpired since last entry...lets see shall we?
  Well after writing that fun entry I started to wander the ground of Elfpack, whew what a journey but it was an adventure as all things are when you go on a long trip yanno? So First thing is first I saw that Ty was a godess, more specifically she is the Godess of Rain and I was intrigued so I wandered on over to the Gods of Elfpack wiki and noticed That a god of inspiration was sorely needed. For where is the inspiration if it is led by no god? So I took part and I became that god. You may bow if you feel you must, for about half an hour I bowed to [Ultra Hunger] or the betetr know as the God of Chaos (also the god of all gods and slayer of gods). I felt very honored. *beams* then I decided I needed to add stuff to my house cuz Ty's is so pretty. isnt it oughtta check it out [n/aaaaa]. So for about an hour or so i pittled and pattled and to no avail. The I got on ehre today and played with some HTML code and made it work whooo. Sadly I cna still not put color in my letters, I can only make them bold, but mayeb i will figure it out. I am soon to make a wiki, possibly int he near future. Dont know exactly when but soon i hope. It will be a club for the joining, Im goign to have Ty help me cuz shes so f'in brilliant. The gurl like surpasses my IQ and makes me feel dumb. But the happiest part of my day is that Ally's pciture is on my house. Im glad to see her face everytime I jump on here to mess around. I wonder if the DDRei banner is allowed? I thought it was needed since www.DDRei.com is a great site. I also added some great DDR icons, the game case from DDR max 2....Whooo great game that I own. I also threw in an AIM icon I foudn that was just super cool. hehehe...Still trying to gain my bearings here, I am also now a crew wannabe. I dont really want to do any major stuff but I would liek to help with anything needed. I dont want the responsibiltie of major stuff sicne I might be going to basic...and I wont be able to do anything for awhile. But I will help with anything that doesnt require big responsibility because Elfpack makes me feel so dman welcome...lol...I love it here...I traded it for Xanga...I do everything here...Now if you guys can pull up an IRC server so I cna RP here without the newbs of Ayenee we shall be all good...*sighs* Ayenee is getting worse...Heh...I need to open my Tavern but I cant because for some fudged reason YahElite wont elt me create rooms I guss I need to go check thier homepage. Im in the process of making a new character who uses a yo yo as a weapon..hell man Yo-yo's a frickin cool, everplay ehrgeiz? er whatever that game was...cool figthing game with a charcter who fights with a yo-yo....if anyone has any names (good names not stupid screw with me names) or has an idea for a name for the character lay it on me....

So yeah I went to DEP call today, commanders call, whatever and well, it was fun. for those of you wanting to know DEP call is Delayed Entry Program call. its for the AF enlistees yipee. We played dodge ball and got free pop and pizza heck yeah! Bu tthe downside was I found out it will be a while 'til I go off and cros into the blue. So I must get a job whoooo!!!! No not whoo. I mean i lvoe sitting at home doing...NOTHING! Oh well guess I got to be a working soemtime. Besides Ally doesnt get out of school til later int he day, and Tyan she doesnt get out of school 'til later either, but shes too busy wiht blaze and homework...I miss ya Ty!!!! hehehe. Of course I miss Ally too shes lying down as of now so i figured while I RP Ill write this up yanno?
  Now onto the more important things, I am writing a play, what play you may ask, the play is called Lost & Found. It is inspired by my relationship with Ally, for info on my realtionship with Ally read the previous entries. its cute...Tyan is in it and so is Sam...hehe...and Ry Sam's guy/fiancee. Blaze shall be in it soon so dont you fret Ty and Ally....ahh yes Ally shall be in it. I have a charcter thats based on em as well...hell he hasnt even come in yet. but I mean sheesh it took romeo what two scenes before he came in? Benvolio: Good Morrow cousin
Romeo: Is the day so young?
Benvolio: What news struck cuz (lol leo dicaprio verison ^_^)
  I dont know that scene so well sorry. If you would like a...well a copy of this play ask and you may receive, when i finish of course and type it up...it may take tiem so dont you fret, lol, though i doubt you would like it. I have anothe rplay that is a tragedy of love, not liek Romeo and Juliet but it is a love tragedy that is quite nice, I may type this up and send it if you would like, but as I said no one wants to see my inspiration lol. Well all I have left to say is I love my ally and...well...ALLY! hehe ^_^
                                   -BD/Josh

   I stared within the bottom of a pit and looked deep within it and at the bottom a shimmering pool of water looked back at me with a reflection of who I am. Down in that hole was me, my being, I was a hole, an empty hole. I could not climb out of the hole and it only got deeper and worse every moment, I stood at the bottom and tried to climb it tried my hardest, I wanted to change the hole fill it in and I knew I had to get out first. I finally reached the top and began to fill in the hole and when i finished it I packed the dirt down and walked awya and I felt whole again, but every now and then I stepped in the hole and I sunk into the ground and found myself in darkness. Then after awhile There was a light, a blinding light of power and feeling I never knew before. At first I approached it with apprehension and fear. Slow and steady I went towards it, warya nd cautious of the light, and every step was filled with anxiety and trepidation. The light fell on me after awhile and I felt its warmth its greatness and beauty and I began to quicken my pace and when I reached that light I was no longer near the whole no longer in darkness and it all faded and disappeared, there was nothig but warmth and deep passionate love, that light was her, my godess. My life and love, That light was Alexandria and I love her deeper than the ocean, deeper than anything, I could be in heaven and have nothing but her and I would be eternally happy. She is my all, my life my being, my whole serenity and salvation.

   OKay usually I dont write when I have nothing to write about, and well thats why I havent written. I dont really have much to write about today 'cept little stuff...Basically, Rp lately has sucked, except when its with Ally. Though i had a great sparr earlier, and Ian kicked ass, though my posts sucked! But oh well Im ready to sparr Li...hehehe...Ian wont be doing it though i might use Taskan or perhaps a charcter Ivebeen trying to make...an assasin with deadly intentions. Ally drew a great picture for pierce you can see it at http://profiles.yahoo.com/Pierce_sarlight Shes a great artist...heh..she also drew a picture of my name which I think iw ant to post on here but i dont know if Im allowed cuz she drew it..but I want to just to show ow much i lvoe her..its a picture of my name and also says Bd in it...I love it...I lvoe her...*sighs* havent heard from Tyan in awhile, gues Ill go look at her house and then do nothin. Later guyz...

   Yep its me again, me, me, me, and more me. Today is a greta day friends...a great day. Why is today special, oh let me count the ways.
  
   1. I finally know Ally cares for me.
   2. Tyan got her special someone to ask her out awww.
   3. Im going to go see Consoling Dara's live acoustic show   
     tonight!

   So could today be any better? boy oh boy, only thing thats sad is Sam missing Ryan so badly. But all shall work out well, right? it will...it always does. So theres not much to say. Im going to listen to Flogging Molly while I play around and wait for Dan and Tina to show up. Oh yeah, and Ally is on a plane on her way home right now. She'll be closer but still so far. But none the less closer to me. Ally....*dreamily sighs*

  So here it is folks! Elfpack is back up and running...*jumps for joy and trips* Oi! *limps slightly* Now then I have a bit to tell you.
   To star this I'd like to first state one new development. Since talking to Tyan I picked up my 'Flogging Molly' CD. Now normally I only listen to them when Im sad, but Im starting to liek them more and more, and Im tellin you they are starting to be my favorite. Heh...So Id liek to say "[?] Richard and his court of kings, stole my heart and many other things, But me I stole his crown. I wish he was here to steal it now..."
   Now on to the important things. I finally came to the conclusion of my Ally dilemma, yes I know how I feel. I found a few days ago that I am inlove with Ally. sweet sweet Ally, shes, well Ally is so special. If I could explain to you the wonders that she holds, the greatness she fills me with, the most wodnerful love I would only be coming up short because the feeling I have of her cannot be described cannot be shown, known, unless felt. I've never felt so happy in all my life. For once i have it all planned out and know where I want to be in a few years from now. I want to be dating Ally and giving her everythign I feel for her. she is so special and I dont know if she knows it. Mostly I want to tlka about the difference of Loving someone and being IN love with someone. See Loving someone is simplicit, you love them and would be there for them, but being IN love with someone is deeper more spiritual. Being In love is like being in the most wodnerful situation ever. I always knew what love was, but never knew what it was liek to be IN love 'til now. Tingles guys! F'in Tingles, You ever felt Tingles? Oh man let me tell you its liek beign excited and anxious at once and it feels liek yer whole body fell asleep, and you feel liek its all a dream because something like that feels so wodnerful it must be a dream. I dont want to ramble but I just wanted to update and tell you how much I love that precious gurl Ally. "The window is the east, and Ally is the sun. Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon who is already sick and pale with grief that thou is more lvoely than she." *grins*

Yes Ally is aborad on my mind, SO! You wanna make soemthin of it? lol...Yeah well lately more than ever cuz ims lowly getting closer to that point...you knwo what that point is right? Well for those of you that dont know its that point where yer just ready to fall but you need to think it over before you do. You're thinking, okay sure lets do it, lets jump, but you say now what does that mean if I do? Its a long thought process but takes little time. But Im taking a long time. See I think soemtimes its stupid to fall for a gurl whos over this computer screen, no gurl to touch, no gurl to hold, but shes still there right? well Im not sure how this whole thing works but Im gonna lay this down Alright and you can make of it what you will...

Okay when I first ever started getting good at RP I fell for this Asian gurl, her name is not important for you to know but regardless i fell for her, and she and I ended up losing contact til i moved to OH for the first time. i was ina three month relationship at the time, but this gurl had a promising future so I felt, so I ended my three month relationship and pursued a quiet tragedy witht his asian gurl. Well she told me she was getting married to someone and it was right before I went to Michigan with my best buddy Dan. So when we went I thought the whole ordeal out and I had alot of time and I concluded I wanted her so bad I would marry her to have her. Well approximately 3 seconds later a car wrecked right infront of me in dan RIGHT INFRONT OF US! That was a bad omen for sure...so I did not marry the gurl. We lost contact and she got married, we lost contact purely of her choice and since then its been two years. Int hat tiem I moved to florida for seven months and came back here.

Well now Im here and I had decided since that ordeal no relationships over the net. Good choice and it held true, held so true. I have tlkaed to the Asian gurl a few times but really not much. Well Im Rping and sticking to my rule of no net realtionships until. Ally. Yes the very same. She hit me like a f'in shark attack people. it was like blinsiding me with something special and cute...I sit and I think how I feel every second of everyday of every week of every month. Slowly but surely Im concluding things and Im finding that I want to be with her very much, and Id almost do anything to make that possibility a reality. Thats what sacres me so much, its almost liek the situation with the Asian gurl and that means, maybe I'm starting to fall in...*gulps*...love with Ally. That is the scariest F'in thing in my life.

Now as some of you might know or dont I've only truly loved a few people in my life, and love is on all levels but true love for soemone more than friends the three cases were...Audra, A gurl I gace alot too and dated for a while, The asian gurl I already went on about, and the third was Victoria, yes victoria i havent tlaked about her, but she was possibly the greatest love in my life. But those three are the only one I have ever said i lvoe you and meant it so deep i would have gave up enternity for them. Maybe Ally will be the ofurth and final love. People never understand how I can love more than one person, htey dont udnerstand I lvoed them all on different levels...even those three I lvoed on different levels but i would have gave anything to lvoe them that way. Im not sure how I feel about Alex and I probably wont know for awhile but Im hoping Ill figure it out and when I do she'll be the first to know, whether I love her or something else is yet to be discovered, but no matter what i hope we stay freinds til she decided shes ready to love me or not...If I believe anything is possible right?


                          -BD

So Ally went to Florida today...*sighs* You have no idea how much im gonna miss her for the next 8 days? I thinkt hats right lol. I went to the concert last night wooo...Consoling dara was f'in awesome! I loved 'em. Want to know more go to www.consolingdara.com My friend dan knows Jerimiah, and I met the guy so I sorta know him, there gonna be a live acoustic show at sips this staurday and I think em adn dan might go. The volume was a bit loud so you couldnt hear the lyrics but otherwise they were great! There were two other bands but I thought Consoling Dara was the best, marksjet wasnt too bad. The first band that played we didnt hear much but they sounded good, but I liekd Consoling Dara the best, maybe Im byist? They seemed to have more energy, I mean sheesh me and Dan seemed to have more energy then the crowd yanno? no bouncing no nodding...a little bounsing..but no jumping...its was sad and so not energetic, but oh well...
For those of you who dont know Ally is a gurl I really like and met through RP. Kind of wierd the way I met her, even more peculiar is the fact that I think Im falling for her. I never have seen her and dont even know too much except what we talk about every night. I mean sheesh I was lookin out the window on the way home and say this backyard with swings and stuff and said, "awww I used to swing on swings like that when I was little, I wish I could be little again, but then I wouldnt have found Ally yet. When I'm older I need to have kids to get swings liek that...Kids with Ally someday maybe." And I just got warm tingles, what do those mean, is that the tingly feeling people tell you about when yer in...the four letter word. I refuse to say that word 'til i know I really, you know...Ally. Well maybe one day, one day soon, Ill see you, Ill see you soon. Come back from Florida, by the way my dad lives in OP in Jacksonville, FL. Coincidence her mom lives there? Oh I think not, maybe its written in the stars, but then again I am a believer, and have a serious Peter Pan complex...lol
                                   -BD

So I guess I'm joined up the rightful way eh? I feel like Im initiated into soem secret organization *grins* like that show what was it...on Nickolodeon a long time ago, after dark or whatever...man this is cool stuff..so I suppose you guys would liek to know about me maybe alittle? Well My name is there so you knwo that but my friends call me BD...lol...Im int he AF just havent gone to basic training yet awaiting my recruiter grrrr...thing is hes lazy lol...sad huh? lol...anyways Thats about it oh and I play bass in a band...or I would if I could gte me a new bass...The band is Intentionally left blank and we are unofficialy not a band hahaha...and unofficialy are a band...wierd that way huh? anywyas..thats msotly about me just waiting to go the airforce..int he mentime Ill be RPing in Ayenee (yahoo)...so maybe see ya then...