This was actually posted on Myspace originally on Valentines Day. Wasnt having that great of a day...but most of you know that.

In the past two years all this fucking shit has happened; stuff i wanted to know, stuff i didnt, and stuff i couldnt give a damn about. All the stuff i wanted to know about, that i should have known about i just found out about yesterday. I cant go back now and tell my friends and their familys "im sorry i missed another funeral....im sorry i wasnt there to try and keep her on the right path....im sorry she didnt learn from my mistakes". All the shit that is happening lately is stuff i dont want to know or stuff i couldnt give a damn about. People are getting to fucking confused when it comes to their problems. Yes i love that you can tell me that i cope with problems very well, but please dont come to me with yours when i went through the *almost same thing* last week. I am your friend so i will tell you the truth and how i feel even if thats not what you want. Usually i love this time of year, everything seems to be easy and all the decisions you have to make are there for you when needed. Currently it feels like all of my decision making skills seem to be a bit fuzzy. There are only two things that seem to want to stay constant and unquestionable. I wish that i had a few of me, each had to follow a strict set of guidelines. One that had to worry about valentines day and relationships, and had to feel bummed when they get to see their boyfriend for about 5 minutes total on valentines day. Another that i would like to entitle *slumber party* because i know that every girl understands her role. She is to hang out with friends, gossip, eat way to much chocolate, and laugh. Another is the *clone* of me that gets to hear all the problems my friends need help with. But after all those are gone, you have the clone that i think i am right now, *alone clone*. The one that doesnt want anything to do with anyone. The one that feels that nothing can ever go right for them. That they should just find a way to kill her own personal *cancers*. The one that already knows the way.

As a birthday gift, a friend got me a guardian angel. This was why:

"you have been a saving grace recently. I dont know how you go through what you do and still manage to have such an amazing heart. Since no one seems to guard you, Im giving you this guardian angel. Its very old, so its protected a lot of people. I honestly hope it protects you as well."

i asked them to be my guardian angel, but they said they simply where'nt good enough. Will anyone be my guardian angel? . . .




besides the normal responses like "i love you babe, dont feel that way", one of my friends sent me something that made me feel alot better. Here is that response:

Babe, you're one of the strongest people I know out there and one of the few truthful and bluntly honest people as well. Those kinds of people are so hard to find when everyone's out for themselves and worrying too much to enjoy life. You take on others' problems, jsut don't let their problems bring you down to a state of depression that you can't get out of. If you ever get there, give me a call. You don't know how much you made my day yesterday giving me that chocolate rose.

I wish there were more of you (more to love and enjoy) and I wish that I could make all of your problems go away, but wishing doesn't get you anywhere I've come to realize. So all I can offer is to be here for you if you ever need someone. I'll be your shoulder if you need it, hell, I'll even rip my shoulder off so you can carry it around if I'm not there . . .but that could get a little messy. >_<. I'll be here for you if you need a talk even if it's just me listening because it's never good to bottle things up . . .I know that all too well. All I'm saying is that you've been there for me when I needed it and you're too strong of a person to me with a huge heart.

You don't know how tempted *name* and I were to just drive down to your house when you called us . . .I was this this close to putting that left turn signal on if *name*'s parents hadn't been nazi-like. Babe, be strong and if you ever need someone, I'll be here . . .now just a phone call away.

*huggles* and one huge *GLOMP*