...a guy killed himself at my school..i didnt no him..but i feel like i owe it to him to be at his funeral thing..*plus i liek the mints...hah...
Sucky Sucky up and down
Licky Licky all around
kissy Kissy on my lips
Rubby Rubby on my hips
Touchy Touchy on my breast
On my booty plzz caress
Tell me nasty things in my ear
And ill tell u the rest from there
Roses are red,
Violets are corny,
When I think of you
Ohh baby I get horny,
roses r red nuts r brown skirts r up and pants r down!
body to body skin to skin
when it's stiff stick it in!
Love is a temptation
that starts with a sensation
when a guy stick's his location
in a girls destination
to increase the population
for the next generation
do you get my explaination
or do you need a demonstration?
Sky is blue
Water is wet
I'll make you cum
I'll make you sweat
Pressed up against my body
Movin up and down
Slowly but firmly
We'll move the ground
Kissing Is A Habit
Fucking Is A Game
Guys Get All The Pleasure
Girls Get All The Pain
10 Minutes Of Pleasure
9 Months Of Pain
3 Days In The Hospital
A Baby Without A Name
The Baby Is A Bastard
The Mother Is A Whore
This Woulda Never Happend If The Rubber Hadn't Tore!!
Sex is like math
You subtract the clothes
Add the bed
Divide the legs
And Pray to god
You dont multiply
Roses are red
Grass is green
Open your legs
And I'll fill you with cream
Hickory dickory dock
This bitch was suckin my cock
The clock struck two
I dumped my goo
And dumped her to the end of the block
roses are nice
violets are fine.
ill be the six
if you be the nine.
Mental anxiety,
Mental breakdowns,
Menstrual cramps,
Menopause...
Did you ever notice how all our problems begin with MEN!!!!!!!!!!!
Sticks and stones may break my bones,
But whips and chains excite me.
So throw me down
And tie me up,
And show how much u like me!!!
Sex is not the answer!
Sex is the question!!
Yes is the answer!!!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Condoms break
So watch who you screw!!!
Have fun in the sun
Get laid in the shade
roses are red
and very thorny
take me 2 bed
coz im feelin horny
Kissing is a habbit
Fucking is a game
guys get all the pleasure
girls get all the pain
the guy says he loves you
you believe its true
your stomache starts to swell
he says, Fuck you
1 hour of pleasure
9 months of pain
3 days in the hospital
A baby without a name
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
This never would have happened
If the rubber had not torn
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm in love but not with you
when we broke up you thought i cried but all i did was another guy
you told your friends I was a trick
and I told mine you had a weak dick
i told you i loved you you thought it was true well guess what playa you got played too!!!
When your a Teenage Girl
Your friends are more important than your family
Boyfriends are a major priority
It takes hours to get ready even to go to someplace stupid because your afraid you'll see someone you know
You sneak out to meet a friend or a guy
You start to become irritated over little things (P.M.S!)
You whine about guys to everyone
You are embarrassed to go to the mall with your parents
You beg your parents for money
You know what the “BASES” are, and u have been to some
You find the real "use' of a basement and a bedroom window
You go to parties
You need new clothes all the time
You go for “walks" to find guys
You'll do just about anything for attention
Splish splash waterbed
all the gurls givin head
red white and blue r colors r true
live on
rock~n~roll
speed weed birth control
peace pot taquilla shot
jesus loves me stoned or not
forget bout our grades
trowin our lives away
thinkin were kwel skippin school
so we can go get high
cuz were the class of
two ten
wen i 1st saw u, i was scared 2 talk 2 u
wen i 1st talked 2 u, i was scared 2 kiss u
wen i 1st kissed u, i was scared 2 luv u
nw dat i luv u im scared 2 loose u!
dnt h8 da playa h8 da game!
jus remember:-
*sex is like pringles once u pop the fun don't stop*
and:-
LIFE IS A DICK WHEN IT GETS HARD FUCK IT!!!!!!!
Humpty dumpty fucked a fat whore,
Humpty dumpty fell on the floor,
All the kings horses
and all the kings men bent the bitch over
and fucked her again
lil miss muffet
sat on a tuffet
wit a dildo da size of her arm
along came a nigga
hu's cock was much bigga
n did her sum perminant harm!
Roses are red,
Violets are corny,
When I think of you
Ohh baby I get horny,
Eat me, Beat me, Bite me,
Blow me, Suck me, Fuck me,
Very slowly, if you kiss me,
dont be sassy, Use your tongue
and make it nasty!!!!
.
found new sex things hehe!
[50 Things Girls Wish Guys Knew...]
1. dont tell us when you think other girls are hot.
[2. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.]
3. if you dont act like soap-opera guys, dont expect us to dress like Victoria Secret models.
[4. mark anniversaries on a calendar.]
5. there is no such thing as too much spooning.
[6. we think about you all the time.]
7. this is how we see it . . . Don't call = Don't Care.
[8. which also means that if we dont call, take the hint.]
9. we like you to be a little jealous . . . but overly possessive is not necessary.
[10. being able to make us laugh is so much more important than how much you can bench-press.]
11. return favors: we massage, you massage; we go down, you go down; we shave, you shave.
[12. foreplay is not an option . . . its a prerequisite.]
13. we're allowed to be late . . . you are not.
[14. eye contact is key.]
15. dont take longer to get ready than we do.
[16. laugh at our jokes.]
17. three words . . . honesty, honesty, honesty.
[18. girls can be groupies. guy groupies are stalkers.]
19. we never have to wonder if your orgasm was real.
[20. do not start with us. you will not win.]
21. would you like it if a guy treated your sister that way? we didnt think so.
[2. if you ask nicely, we usually answer the same way.]
23. we will never have enough clothes or shoes.
[4. we have an excuse to act bitchy at least once a month.]
25. open the door for us no matter where we are . . . even at our house and getting into the car.
[26. we love surprises!]
27. we liked to be kissed softly, not with an iron tongue.
[28. pay attention to the little things we do, because they mean the most.]
29. boxers and maybe boxer briefs sometimes . . . NEVER whitey-tightie
[30. clean your room before we come over.]
31. always brush your teeth before you see us . . . a fresh mouth and white teeth are a necessity.
[32. when we use our teeth it means that you suck at going down on us, so we are just returning the favor.]
33. even though you are sometimes insensitive and hurt us, we still love you with everything we are.
[34. dont act hard around your friends because i wont make you hard tonight.]
35. sometimes "NO!" really means "NO!"
[36. "Wife Beaters" are not an adequate form of fashion.]
37. if we wanted to be on video tape, we'd be a porn star not your girlfriend.
[38. sensitive guys are great . . . but crying more than we do in a movie just isnt right.]
39. dont let ex-girlfriends cause drama, relationships are stressful enough.
[40. it takes a special kind of stupid to forget birthdays.]
41. guys who are good cuddlers = guys who know how to satisfy a woman.
[42. "Fat Chicks" have feelings too.]
43. silent treatment, shoulder shrugs, tears, yelling and nasty looks all add up to . . . YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG!
[44. the excuse "I can't dance" is unacceptable . . . we'll appreciate the simple fact that you're trying.]
45. just because a girl doesnt pick up on the first ring doesnt mean shes not waiting by the phone.
[46. you dont have to spend a lot, if it means a lot.]
47. dont say you love me if you dont mean it. when we say it we mean it
[48. dont lie to us . . . we will catch you.]
49. just because your tired doesn't mean you can blow us off like we are nothing.
[50. when the girls get together, we talk about EVERYTHING. Meaning my best friends know everything about you.]
*Boy: i saw her today
Girl: i saw him today
Boy: It seems like its been forever
Girl: I wonder if he still cares
Boy: She looks better than ever
Girl: I couldnt stop staring at him
Boy: i asked her how things were going
Girl: i asked about his new girlfriend
Boy: Id choose her over any girl im with
Girl: Hes probably really happy
Boy: i couldnt even look at her without crying
Girl: He couldnt even look at me
Boy: I told her i missed her
Girl: I know he hadnt
Boy: I meant it
Girl: He didnt mean it
Boy: i love her
Girl: he loves his new girlfriend
Boy: I held her one last time
Girl: He gave me a friendly hug
Boy: Then i went home and cried
Girl: Then i went home and cried
Boy: i lost her..
Girl: i still love him*
i LOVE this
( PoP GoEs ThE ChErRiEs!! [oops-a-daisies])
ok yall idk hoo u r this is HILARIOUS!!! i got my 2yr old sister to roll up her fists throw a punch and say "ill beat you down!"..roflma
FiND THE SECOND LETTER iN YOUR FiRST NAME .<3
A-Beautiful
B-Christian
C-Pretty
D-Jewish
E-Gorgeous
F-Retarded
G-Boyish
H-Outstanding
I-Emo
J-Gothic
K-Punky
L-Popular
M-Slutty
N-Nerdy
O-Hot
P-Gay
Q-Lesbian
R-Sexy
S-Lesbian
T-Girly
U-Ugly
V-Wonderful
W-Geeky
X-Bitchy
Y-Under-apprec
Z-Over-appreci
NOW THE SECOND LETTER iN YOUR LAST NAME.<3
A-Slut
B-Boy
C-Bitch
D-Obsesser
E-Sex machine
F-Retard
G-Geek
H-Jew
I-Girl
J-Goth
K-Nerd
L-Motherfucker
M-Beauty queen
N-Crackwhore
O-babe
P-Punk
Q-Queen
R-Alcoholic
S-Princess
T-Fucker
U-stud
V-Jackass
W-loser
X-Scaredy-cat
Y-Coward
Z-Chocoholic
: Hair color?
blond=horny
brown=fucking gorgeous
black=gothic
red=studly
What color shirt are you wearing?
Red=slutty
Green=tree-hug
Blue=sex machine
White=confused
Pink= PIMPish
Yellow=ugly
Purple=a little TOO happy
Black=goth
Orange=multico
Brown=yucky smelling
Gray=emo
Aqua= preppy
Other=candy-fl
Nothing= Sexy
pants are you wearing?
Shorts=hobo
Skirt=prep
Skort=homo
Jeans=hot piece of ass
Capris=half-qu
Cordoroy=weigh
Cargo=clown
Sweats=cutie
OTHER [pajamas, etc.]= sex kitten
im a: beautiful,slut
you can call me a slut,
2 bad it aint true,
sorry baby but,I aint YOU!!!!!!!!!!!
little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom see's her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dress's quickly and goes to find him. The son see's his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time." says the boy. "Why is that?" asked him mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
omg..thats BAD
DONT HIT KIDS!!!!!!!!!!
no seriously..the
a bitch is a dog
a dog barks
bark comes off a tree
a tree is a part of nature
and nature is beutifull
so next time u call me a bitch thanks for the compliment!!
little miss druggy
sat in her buggy
smoking a bowl of weed
along came a spider
and sat down beside her
and sold her a kilo of speed!!
roses are red,violets are corny when i think of u ooo i get horny
eat me
beat me
bite me
blow me
suck me
fuck me
very slowly
iif u kiss me dont be sassy,use youre tounge and make it nasty!!
roses r red
grass is green
open youre legs and
il fill u with cream
sex is good
sex is fine
doggy style or 69
just for fun
or gettin paid
everyone likes gettin layed!!
You're a 90's kid if:
~You've ever ended a sentence with the word "SIKE!"
~You can sing the rap to "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air"
~You remember when Kurt Cobain, Tu Pac, River Phoenix, and Selena died.
~You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House"
~You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
~You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
~You remember reading "Goosebumps"
~You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, wax off"
~You have pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
~You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
~you danced to "wannabe" by the Spice Girls, Females: had a new motto, Males: got a whole lot gay-er. (so tell me what you want, what you really really want.)
~You remember the craze then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.
~You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not
~Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show.
~Captain Planet.
~You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the red* Ranger were meant to be together.
~To the last sentence you said.....hey..
~*later to be white
~When playing power rangers with friends you fought over who got to be who...........
~You remember when super nintendo's became popular.
~You remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3........and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"
~"I've fallen and I can't get up"
~You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates
~Two words... Trapper Keeper.
~You ever got injured on a Slip 'n' Slide
~You wore socks over leggings scrunched down
~"Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black, black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back, back" SHE ASKED HER MOTHER MOTHER MOTHER FOR FIFTY CENTS CENTS CENTS TO SEE THE ELEPHANTS PHANTS PHANTS JUMP OVER THE FENCE THE FENCE THE FENCE
he jumped so high high high he touched the sky sky sky and he didnt come back back back til the forth of july ly ly he jumped so low ow ow he stubbed his toe toe toe and thats the end end end of the elephants show show show
~You remember boom boxes vs. cd players
~You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool
~You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"
~You played and or collected "Pogs"
~You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere
~You watched the original Care Bears, My Little Pony, and Ninja Turtles
~NANCY DREW AND THE HARDY BOYS WERE THE BEST MYSTERY BOOKS
~Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!
~All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.(pencils.notebo
~You remember when the new Beanie Babies were always sold out.
~You used to wear those stick on earings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.
~You remember a time before the WB.
~You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
~You know the Macarena by heart.
~"Talk to the hand" ... enough said
~You thought Brain woud finally take over the world
~You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"
~You remember when everyone went slinky crazy.
~You remember when razor scooters were cool.
~when we were younger:
~Before the MySpace frenzy.
~Before the Internet & text messaging.
~Before Sidekicks & iPods.
~Before MIKE JONES
~Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX.
~Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.
~WHEN LIGHT UP SNEAKERS WERE KOOL
~When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
~When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.
~When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie.
~When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.
~When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.
~When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.
~Way back.
~Tag.
~Get Over Here!!!! means something to you.
~Hide-n-Go Seek at dusk.
~Red Light, Green Light.
~Heads Up 7 Up.
~Playing Kickball & Dodgeball until your porch light came on.
~Hopskotch.
~Slip-n-Slides
~Tree Houses.
~Hula Hoops.
~Reading R.L. Stine's Goose Bumps.
~HELLO....HOT WHEELS!!!!!
~"POWER OF LOVE" BY CELINE DION..ONLY COUPLES COULD SKATE TO THIS.
~The annoying Nano Pets & Furbies.
~Running through the sprinklers.
~That "Little Mermaid"
~Crying when Mufasa died in the Lion King.
~Happy Meals where you chose a Barbie or a Hot Wheels car.
~Getting the privilege to sit in the front seat of the car.
~Drinking Sqeeze It "Squeeze The Fun Out Of It"
~CAPRI SUN
~Watching Saturday Morning Cartoons in your PJ's still wrapped up in your TMNT, Power Rangers, Barbie, Fairy Princess comforter.
~Hey Arnold, Doug, Rugrats.
~The original Power Rangers ( not all the stupid new dino ones and crap... they suck so much... i think theres like 5 new versions)
~Or what about:
~The Secret Life of Alex Mac.<3
~Ren & Stimpy.<3333
~Double Dare.<33
~Rocco's Modern Life.<333333
~AAAHH!! REAL MONSTERS.<333
~Wild & Crazy Kids.<333333
~Clarissa Explains it All.<33333333333333
~CAMP NOWHERE<3333
~salute your shorts(CAMP ANAWANA)<3333333
~Are You Afraid of the Dark?<33333333333333
~The original cast members of all that. oh yeah baby
~Kenan & Kel. <33333333
~"CITY GUYS"...ROLL W/ THE CITY GUYS
~doug.<33333333333333
~magic school bus.<333333
~Nick Arcade.<3333
~flash forward.<33333
~legends of the hidden temple. OMFG AN AWESOME SHOWWW
~hey dude.<3333333
~dinosaurs. with danny!!!! i loved him...
~pinky and the brain.<33333333
~Sailor Moon.
<33333333333333
~blossom.
~hangin with mr.cooper.
~wishbone. <33333333333333
~bill-nye the science guy.<33333
~MR RODGERS!!!!
~Who could forget Snick? & Nick @ Nite with Bewitched, I Dream of Jenie, The Facts of Life & I Love Lucy.
~Where everyone wanted to be in love after watching The Wonder Years.
~nick or nick jr.
~The ORIGIONAL blues clues with steve
~gulah gulah island
~little bear
~under the unbrella tree
~PEE-WEE!!!
~The Big Comfy Couch
~Kool-Aid was the drink of choice.
~Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school.
~Eurika's Castle!!!OMFG I DO REMEMBER THAT SHOW!!!!!!
~Class field trips.
~When Christmas was the most exciting time of year.
~When $5 seemed like a million, & another dollar a miracle.
~When you begged to go to McDonalds for dinner everyday.
~When Toys R Us overuled the mall.
~Go back to the time when:
~Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-mi
~Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming 'do over!'
~'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
~Money issues were handled by whoever was banker in 'Monopoly'.
~act like you didn't watch afro-king BOB ROSS paint trees on T.V.
~It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends.
~Being old referred to anyone over 20.
~A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery.
~Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better.
~It was a big deal to finally be tall enought to ride the 'big people' rides at the fair.
~When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever.
~When Ninja Turtles ruled the world!!!
~DID I DO THAAAAAAAAAT??
~smud and yak back.
~skip it made sores on your ankle...
~and pop it.
~Before we realized all this would eventually disappear
~who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!!
~"Welcome to good burger, home of the good burger. Can i take your oooorder?"
Your a 90's kid when you read this and smiled and laughed at least 5 of these.
IM A 90'S KID AND PROUD OF IT!! i remember basically all of these! theres like 5 i dont remember!!! XDXDXDXDXDXDXD
"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."~Author Unknown
thought this was apropriate...i gues..for wat i dont no..but ..ya
Crossfade - Cold
Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannnot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong
Like a drug that gets me high
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you
And I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now i can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high
I never meant to be so cold
I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me theres just no hope
I never meant to be so cold
good songg
sometimes when i say "oh im fine.." i want someone to look me in the eye and say "tell me the truth"
WHAT TO DO IN WALMART
1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they are not looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens
5. Turn all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&Ms on layaway.
8. Move "CAUTION-WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
10. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why won't you people leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes and X-Men.
13.Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressant
15. Switch signs on the men's and women's bathrooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign out front.
18. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
21. Go to the food court, get a soft drink, tell them you don't get out much and would they put one of those little paper umbrellas in it.
22. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud, "Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!"
23. TP as much of the store as possible.
this is gr8
.she'd do anything to [sp.ar.kl.e] in his eyes.//[<33]
.she [w/ould] s.u.f.f.e.r, she would fight & compra[mise.]
.she's bee.n wishing on a STAR| that shines [soul)(fire] BRIght.
FOR ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS THAT WILL HAUNT HER TONIGHT.
[Roses Are Red]
violets are blue
[i can not believe ..]
i got so attached to you
[you were like barbed wire ]
wrapped around my heart
[with every breath i took ]
you ripped me apart
[each little beat ]
is another small cut
[i dont know what it takes ]
to sew it all shut
[drip drip away .. ]
losing all my trust
[ just another broken memory .]
slowly fading to dust .
i took this from ..ugh..i dotn remember..but i liked her page
Chuck Norris Jokes
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
roflmao