The Computer Obituaries

Violence and Technology...not good bedfellows...


"System Crush!"
Author - [Orestez]


# Customer: "Hello, yes, my system is crushed!"
# Tech Support: "Crushed?"
# Customer: "Yes, that is what I said, crushed."
# Tech Support: "Oh, your system has crashed..."
# Customer: "Yes, I cannot do anything, my mouse will not work, and I can't see anything on the screen. I need it fixed now!"
# Tech Support: "Ok, I need some history on this problem. What was the last thing you did before the system crashed?"
# Customer: "Well, after I stood on the computer to hang a picture, my machine was crushed."
# Tech Support: "Oh, so your system has been crushed..."



"Lube it!"
Author - [Orestez]


My mother was visiting one time when I was online. I remarked to her that the computer was running a little slow today. Her solution? Oil it. You can imagine how I wince every time I think of it.



"ohh pretty!"
Author - [Orestez]


A friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) bought a brand new Toshiba laptop computer last year since his "old" one was a model from the year before. He worked in the computer services office on campus here at our university. He decided one night that to impress his co-workers he would make his new laptop more decorative. He bought a can of emerald green Krylon spray paint and sprayed his entire computer (screen, mouse, keyboard, casing, and all) with it. He was shocked to find that his computer wouldn't work afterwards and decided the paint must be at fault. So the next day he bought a can of Goo Gone and a bottle of paint thinner and poured them both on his computer, then rinsed it off in the sink.

Again, he was shocked when his computer wouldn't work. He was even more shocked when Circuit City told him they wouldn't refund his money or exchange his computer for a new one.



"Thar she blows!"
Author - [Orestez]


About a year ago, I was called out to do field service. When I got to the lady's house and was let in, the first thing I noticed was the smell of gunpowder. The second, the double barreled 12-gauge shotgun lying on the couch. Third, the big gaping hole in the side of her computer. (It was one of those Macs where the CPU and monitor are in the same housing.)

I looked at her. She was a little grey haired woman, around 60 or so. Had she? Not possible. Still, I had to ask.

  * Me: "Did you shoot...?"
  * Customer: "Yes, I got a little mad at it. They told me I couldn't hurt it, but I think they were wrong. Can you salvage anything?"

I mumbled something about not being a Mac tech and told her I would send one out as soon as I could. Then I burned rubber out of there.

About a month later, my boss called me in; he had the woman on hold. She had apparently complained that I was not competent and that I had lied when I said I would send out a competent Mac tech -- or perhaps I just hadn't been able to find anyone competent working for us. I filled him in. He paused for a second, picked up the phone, and said, "Ma'am? Did you put a shotshell into your computer? ... Uh huh...I'm sorry, ma'am, we really can't...well, no.... I'll try to send one out.... Nice doing business with you...." He hung up, looked at me, and said, "You think any of our Mac techs will go?" I shook my head. "Me neither."

We heard from her again last week, when my boss told me that the woman had called up to cuss me out, saying not only was I a "young whippersnapper" but also a liar, since one of our competitors had fixed her computer just fine, even fixing the little scratches and stuff on the monitor glass. That sounded fishy, so I went over and talked with the techs. After a case of canned drinks and a few bags of junk food, I wormed the whole story out of them. Apparently, about the only salvagable part was the hard drive (which the buckshot had missed), so they took it out, went out and bought a whole new computer, slapped the hard drive in, and presented it to the lady as her repaired computer -- of course charging her an arm and a leg.



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