Thoughts of the Unwanted

'I think I maybe get confused sometimes. I think sometimes I fall to hard. Maybe just a little less fun will help to ensure that I'll still be here when you all wake up in the morning. I can never guarentee that everything is going to be alright and I certainly can't be going around and saying that I'll forever be there. I know that I'm going to fade as soon as I'm not wanted, so I'll relocate onto another who does want me until they soon rid of me as well. The life of the unwanted is often unpleasent and saddening, but it's all that they've got. It's all that I've got. I'm so tired of being the unwanted. I want to be amung those who are longed for and those who are needed. I wish to be the envied...I wish to be a role model...But most of all, I wish that I were no longer me...'
Her eyes closed as she laid down the pen and notebook. It was filled with all of the thoughts and feeling that she'd had for six and a half months. She knew that she was going to require a new one soon if she was going to continue to record her thoughts and feelings. Her mind slowly wandered into the realm of her always unpleasant dream world. They may have been created in her mind but that didn't make her any less of a wreck. They were reality based. It was just like her life, only the difference was that she was worse and more alone.
The gentle breeze swept through the air and around everyone's form. Several people stood to admire the beauty of the night sky. Others busily walked around, shrugging away the familiar scenary. Her eyes glistened at the stary night sky as the people around blatently ignored her presense. A tear fell from her eye as she was ignored like a simple stray cat on the sidewalk. She looked around at the faces of those who were accompanied by friends or families. Possibly some being followed by lovers or colleages. She stood there all by herself, watching everyone as they continued on with their days.
She opened her eyes and quietly rolled out of bed, scars on her wrists gleaming in the pale morning light. She picked up the notebook and pen once more, taking out a little of her morning time before she headed out to school to write down her thoughts and feelings.
'I can feel the pain biting at my scars and I don't wish for them to ever go. That silver blade all crimson stained remains to be my family, my hope and my love. It remains to be what's left of my broken soul. He took me in and then devoured me whole. He drove me away when I had nothing left. He just simply didn't care about me anymore. I understood. It'd happened to me many times before. They'd want me until they found another person better than myself, and I couldn't stop the chain. I choose to be alone. I choose my life of pain over his life of lies and hatred any day. I choose...to bleed and see my life drip away onto the floor to be stepped on and kicked around. I see myself slowly fade away into the nothingness to where it truely belongs. I see myself fading away....Why can I not just go? Why must I stay?'
She put the notebook and pen back down where they belonged, her brown hair shining in the light provided by the sun. The scars along her wrists and thighs were illuminated like crystals under direct sunlight. Her eyes shimmered their deep blue color as they always did after she first awoke. They'd soon fade back to their dull grey and blue, meaningless to the rest of the world. She slowly made her way to the closet to choose her day's outfit. She just grabbed the first pair of jeans and a shirt that she could get ahold of. She walked into the bathroom and turned the nobs for the shower, slipping her clothing off and looking into the mirror at herself. She looked away, not liking what she saw anymore this morning than she had of the day before. She climbed into the shower and sighed, letting the water caress her body.
The gentle water spatter eased her mind. Her body fell into a limp state as she clung to the shower door for aide in getting out of the shower, but instead of getting out, she just let herself fall, her head slamming into the marble wall behind herself. The pain that echoed through here was ignored as though it wasn't there at all. She felt a trail of sticky wetness trailing down her back as she paid it no attention, filling her palm with shampoo. She lathered it through her hair and felt the back sting a little, still paying the mild pain no mind. She let the water flow through her hair and rid her head of the shampoo, lathering her loofa and washing along her skin slowly. The scars stung as though they were freshly made cuts being scubbed over. She just shrugged it away, being used to the usual pain of her past.
She turned the nobs once more and made her way out of the shower.The trail of sticky hot blood was shown in the mirror as she looked at her back. She took a wet towelette off of the shelf and slowly wiped away the blood, not caring if another trail was to try to make its way along her pale skin. She looked out into her room cautiously, making sure that no one had entered while she was showering.

Thoughts of the Unwanted
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